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Tantra4GayMen Podcast – Episode 2 – Caretaking others in Sex

Transcript

Hello there, I’m Jason Tantra and welcome to episode two of our podcast. Today. Joining me my beautiful husband and go Tantra. In today’s podcast, we are firstly talking about the process of spiritual inquiry. We’re talking about the tantric practices that we do and that integration and explore exploration are all parts of awareness. And this method that you can go and I created called Spiritual Inquiry, which features in all of our retreats and we’re bringing it back here to you in the podcast

 

and we describe what that is, and then we move into one of the common topics that people talk about in spiritual inquiry.

 

And one of those being about caretaking in sex always feeling like you look after the other person and the other person’s pleasure and that nobody’s looking after you. So we talk quite in depth from different perspective. It’s about this idea of caretaking in sex recommend you listen all the way through because we’re also going to share with you our five Top tips for

 

creating and cultivating a self pleasuring practice, which is one of the things we recommend to create a tantric practice at home.

 

And then lastly, we’re going to talk about our London weekend workshop, the 11th and 12th of May in London,

 

exploring ecstatic surrender.

 

And we talk a little bit about that, too. So yes, I hope you enjoy this podcast and everything we have to offer to you. Thank you.

 

Hello and welcome to the Tantra for Gay Men podcast hosted by Jason and Ingo Tantra. Here we’re exploring spirituality and personal growth through the practice of tantra, the body, energy and sex. Who.

 

Hello, my beloved husband. Hello, sweetheart. It’s a here we are for our second episode. I’m excited. We’ve got all the technicalities sorted out, all the things that. That the Hollywood that you should never see behind the scenes. And here we are. We’re in the same location. We’re in the beautiful Copenhagen, but we’ve got different clothes on this week.

 

Well, a different kind of T-shirt. And it still feels like. Is it the same for you? For me, it feels like as if we were giving people, like, almost an insight into our private life. Right. Just sitting here in front of our hut and talking about what is precious to us. Yes. Personally? Yes. Tantra. Tantra, Spiritual practice, sexuality.

 

And I guess for me, just always, I guess, in pursuit of truth, in pursuit of love. and those two feel pretty strong for me this week. Yeah. And in pursuit of awakening. Yes. For me? Yes. I think that’s one of the things we’ve had people say about us before, isn’t it? Where they say the way that you and Ingo present Tantra and the spirituality is the spiritual path is centerpiece.

 

So a lot of people use the word tantra out there, and I think that’s great that it’s interpreted in different ways and different practices. I just know that from my calling into Tantra, the only reason for doing all of the practices, even though they feel good, you know, when you come to or don’t come to multi orgasmic, you know, it feels good.

 

But the intention is, you know, a universal experience or experience is beyond beyond the self, beyond the day to day. Anyway, we’ve digressed. Did you want to say that? I could say much more about that. And I think I should do it because because, you know, I think

 

when you teach something like this, you need to teach from what comes from your own core.

 

Yes. I.e. from what? To really like to personally. And I think, you know, last time we we made some inroads into it. And I, I remember I talked to our beautiful listeners. I talked I talked about my first Tantra retreat that I ever went to. And I talked about how we did all these things, you know, group sexual practice, says multiple orgasms and it was super beautiful.

 

And you really ticked sexually. I mean, it ticked all the boxes. That I had hoped. But then little did I know.

 

we came to the fourth night, I think it was of the retreat, and I woke up in the middle of the night, and I was you know, it was very, very clear immediately that I was in a very different state from.

 

From anything I’d ever known. And yeah, it was like having an orgasm with the whole universe being fuzed with the whole universe and so on. And that for me was I later when I researched what is this, I couldn’t put it into words and it stayed for me for two weeks. I came back home and I thought, How the fuck am I going to function with this?

 

And I had to give lectures. Yes, At my university at that time, I was still, you know, I was the permanent I sort of yeah. In a permanent state of almost.

 

You wrote an article about unbecoming a few sometime ago on Facebook. I did in the last week at the time scolding at the time of living and it felt like unbecoming every little second and becoming one with what actually is and what actually is is not me as I know it in my personality.

 

So and I think we’re going to talk about this a lot more at a later point in this podcast as we drill into these, you know, the aspects of spirituality. But what is important, what I wanted to say is from that point. From that point, I knew that tantra is yes, it is about sex, but that’s not the destination.

 

The destination is something much bigger. And that has since then really given me this fire. And later, this also something to talk about in other episodes. But when? When I then, for myself, you know, started to. I was a pretty non spiritual person at that time. And I then started to educate myself about the spiritual traditions of the world.

 

Long story short, we will drill into that more, but I found that this what I experienced and what I to some degree, you know, what I since then have cultivated through tantra is something quite universal. And you could describe it as awakening in the spiritual sense, in the mystical sense. Something to talk more about it. But this for me, this is the core of tantra and this is why I’m here.

 

Yes. And as you said, this is what people, when they come to our

 

retreats. Retreats, Yes. This is I would say it’s our intention, right, to,

 

open them up to these kinds of experiences. And when they happen, they’re like, wow, this is really didn’t this this guy say to us recently in your retreats, spirituality is capitalized with a capital S Well, and that’s, that’s what I was saying when I started this this one person said to spirituality part for you is the centerpiece.

 

Yeah. And all of the sex and sexuality I’m sorry if this is disappointing to people, but it’s well, it’s like, it’s like for like, how can I put this for people coming into or not coming into. It’s my favorite tantra joke for people coming into tantra as a first thing. Of course, in the early stages of the journey, all of the body sensations that you’re going to be experiencing, all of the multi orgasmic, all of the ecstatic body, you know, as you said at the beginning a few moments ago, you were just like on a cushion of of bliss, of orgasm and just I almost say it’s like seeing the world in a different reality.

 

You know, like my mother always talked about rose tinted glasses. It’s like you wear these tantric glasses and the world just feels profoundly different, profoundly blissful, profoundly orgasmic. And it’s like situations that would have driven you mad before don’t matter. It’s like the whole world is different. And for me, that’s still only stage one of the tantric journey, because there is, yeah, chasms of awareness and different things to experience even beyond.

 

But I think those early parts of the journey are so precious and so many beautiful memories because they’re so different to how life was before.

 

completely. I could, you know, I could really indulge now in all these episodes that we sat in, you know, early time in tantra. And so, yeah, and also that we said with is it worth describing not to people a little bit.

 

Yeah, I was just going to say it’s and it was not just us, was it. It was also,

 

those other people that we got to know in that early stage in that group. But I’m not sure. What do you think? Because we were going with some

 

we were going with a theme. We were going with the theme.

 

So maybe that’s that we should maybe we should just. Just another curve. Pull back here. Well, one of the things

 

I wanted that I thought was important to this podcast, so last time we spoke about why the body is central to a spiritual practice, and in one of the next episodes coming up, maybe the next one, we’re going to talk about why sex and sexual energy is, again, really key in a spiritual journey or in tantra and why we use those.

 

And that’s a whole other conversation.

 

in addition to talking about those topics, what I also wanted to or not wanted felt was important is one of the things we do in our retreats is something called spiritual inquiry. And for me it’s a blend of different psychotherapeutic models plus, I would say there’s a level of channeling mediumship, insight, awareness.

 

I use all of those words to describe the process of spiritual inquiry. Again, I could talk more about that in a future podcast, but briefly here. For me, the way that spiritual inquiry works in our retreats is, you know, one, two or a couple of people will step forward. We have an hour and a half to 2 hours and one person steps forward and there’s several things that happen.

 

One is that there’s this collective group consciousness where what we’re doing in spiritual inquiry speaks to every person in the circle, regardless of that, whether they’re listening or the person speaking. And I also feel that we hold them in different psychotherapeutic models so that, you know, things like person centered, unconditional positive regard, love, care, safety. And there’s also something for me that happens at a spiritual level where I get like a a DNA imprint of the person and their what they’re presenting and what they’re talking about.

 

And I also get a part a feeling in there of the parts of the person that they can’t see or their awareness can’t see, but that I can see and you can see. Yeah, and there’s something in the match. I would say at times, spiritual inquiry often feels magical and there’s something in the magic where you’re able to shape questions or reflect or even do experiments.

 

We do in a cashed out experiments and the whole aim of spiritual inquiry is for people to grow in awareness, grow in grow in personal development. So for me, one of the key things in tantra is it’s great, you know, having 20 multi orgasmic massages and having all these amazing experience that’s already totally amazing. But for me, there’s what I call the so what test, which comes to me from my early business career working for Virgin.

 

My boss used to say to me, What’s the so what test? And so for me, the process of spiritual inquiry or for our American lessons listeners inquiry, the process of spiritual inquiry is to get to a deeper truth, a deeper awareness, a deeper understanding of you, of what’s driving you, of why you act certain ways where that comes from in your history.

 

The idea being that you’re growing spiritually. So when we talk about retreats being about personal transformation and personal growth, I would say the process of spiritual inquiry is center stage because it helps people make sense and integrate the profound experiences that they have in tantra. And so what I’ve done or what we did as part of our preparation for this podcast over 16 years of working with men is I’ve kind of listed common questions that people ask in spiritual inquiry, and I thought that it might be really useful to talk about them here in the podcast, talk about them here to our different listeners and explore the tantric perspective and our perspectives on some of

 

the issues people face in their day to day life.

 

what I would like to add is

 

the context out of which, you know, the spiritual inquiry emerged, because I think when we when we started up, we had no such thing. And as we started to teach all of these techniques, we realized the depth of realization that occurs in people like you.

 

Could I sometimes for those, you know, especially dear listeners who have beautiful lesbians, for example, you could, you could

 

it’s a multi orgasmic massage when it comes to the insights about yourself that you get in there.

 

I sometimes liken it to a really deep psychedelic session, for example. So you, you all of a sudden, let’s say the gateways to your inner world, they really get flung open and you can see everything that’s in them.

 

That’s usually the wow. But it’s also, hell wow. Because you don’t, you know, you see the ecstatic potential in this. Yet at the same time, you see

 

your own conditioning, which is what basically holds you back from all of that ecstatic potential, you know, especially in sex. And and I think we’re going to talk about that.

 

We we are if you have been conditioned in sex in a certain way, there’s certain things you know, you do certain things the way you do, but you don’t do them maybe a more useful way or something like that, because you have been conditioned to do that, you actually forego a lot of the potential that

 

your sex can have.

 

so basically,

 

when

 

the gates get flung open, you see all this and then it’s like, what the hell do I do with this? And that’s what we came up, you know, when we came up with spiritual inquiry, because then you can work with this material and you can gain a much more profound, integrated, you know, understanding of yourself rather than just shoot off into the, the, the, the, the outer realms and then

 

come back without really bringing anything back before take your life.

 

One of the things I just want to say here before we go into the question, yeah, if we get time in the second episode, we’re also going to deal with two topics. But I’m also conscious the clocks are two. Where does 45 minutes go? I don’t know. I think. Anyway, you and me, we’ve got a lot to say, which is good for a podcast.

 

We don’t get to run out of material. Yeah, but the thing I to just to say is how is spiritual inquiry different to therapy? And to me spiritual inquiry, whilst it uses a lot of therapeutic or psychotherapeutic models and is held in the contained of those spiritual inquiry for me feels broader and wider wider because we’re not just looking at the person in that daily life, but it feels like we’re looking at their soul and we’re looking at their soul in their human experience, which for me invites like a broader context of seeing somebody is like you see them in a universal way.

 

Yes. As opposed to just, you know, somebody that does this job and has this family and has this partner. But there’s something more. You know, I would you know, you’d kind of I kind of use the word transpersonal, but also kind of even beyond beyond the typical understandings of transpersonal.

 

Yeah. Yeah. What comes to mind for me is I’m sure many of our listeners have heard about that and keep coming back to,

 

The integral approach as in can robot to

 

transpersonal philosophy, let’s say where we basically you know very very simplified. We basically say our consciousness is on a spectrum composed of many different layers and in order to, to really grow in an integral way, we have to, you know, these, these interact these layers. We have to to to attend to all of these layers and the body is in there to a certain level with it’s kind of conditioning, even evolutionary and so on.

 

The psyche is in there also, you know, with if it’s different, layers including our conditioning, you know, our structure of the psyche that has been inherited, evolutionary and then

 

more transpersonal layers. And I would one of these things that we do is actually tantra says that

 

all of those need to be attended to. So awakening goes through, comes up when all of these are in harmony.

 

Yeah. So you can’t say, I’m going to work on the Godlike Realms or something, but I am never going to work on, I don’t know, my OCD or something like that. You know, my, my, my mental problems in tantra, they’re both of the same importance. Yeah. Because again, there, there, there is also there’s a more tantric background to this, but that’s in another episode because only when basically the channels and all of these layers are opened simultaneously, then the awakening can come through completely.

 

Yeah, completely. Yes. And I love the way that you frame that. Really, really beautiful. So are we ready to deal with one of the gun? Common question. Well, did you call it a problem? Do you call it. But one of the common

 

problems that we have so I think is also just useful to say to our listeners that we identify as gay men or men that love men.

 

And so predominantly in this podcast, that’s who was speaking to men who love men. yeah. And so everything we say is kind of framed in to that, to that audience. However, a lot of what we may say may also be applicable to other audiences and other people in different situations. So one of the common questions we get is

 

and I kind of want to put this in inverted brackets caretaking in sex.

 

And I often feel that I’m looking after the other person and their needs and their pleasure and they shoot their load, they come and that it’s all over. And then I’m left with this

 

sadness, grief, loss of, well, what about me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we have, we have,

 

you know, as I say that I just feel a huge amount.

 

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt that obviously in the sex that we have had, have or had obviously in other contexts. But for me, when I’ve heard people talk about this, I think it’s quite a common thing that happens in Sex for Men. Yeah. And I think that there’s several drivers that that are going on or several things that are happening beyond.

 

But the first thing I just want to feel with people is just the loneliness. Like there’s something incredibly lonely I know and I could cry as I feel that loneliness, that real devastation that real not feeling met, that you’ve given everything you can and there was nothing left for you, that you just feel like you did everything and you know, nobody cared about you.

 

It just feels such a lonely, isolating place. And before I get into any insights in that, I just kind of want to feel that with people. And if you feel that in any way, I just want to give you the biggest hug and the biggest amount of love because that is such a painful place to be. And I think one of the things in tantra, one of the things certainly for us in spiritual inquiry is about allowing yourself to feel everything Like for me, one of the tenants of awareness is about being able to feel everything without needing to fix it, without needing to have some bright idea about it or some logic, but just

 

to feel. And I think that’s one of the problem that we face in 2024 as we’re recording it, thinking that it was 2023 last week, but 2024 with all this technology, all of our busy lives all running around, is that we lose the ability to feel and to hold. And the other feeling I’m with as I’m with this is about grief.

 

A real grief. And I don’t know if any of you that are listening that have had sex and feel like you’ve been caretaking and there was nothing left for you. And that loneliness, that abyss and just the grief of that. And it might just be you need to have a cry over that for a moment. And if you do, if you feel moved by what I’m saying, I just want to invite you to just hold yourself for a moment and allow yourself a moment to cry.

 

Allow yourself the moment to feel that. Because for me, the solutions going forward, how do you fix that is going through that, going through the grief. It’s like the answers that you’re looking for are not before the grief or avoiding the grief, but actually they’re on the other side. And it’s about allowing yourself to to feel that. First,

 

I want to sort of like, say a little bit more.

 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I and then I’m going to flip over to really excited to hear that that that perspective from you continue. So as I said, the answers are beyond the grief. It’s about you know, you’re listening to this take 5 minutes and have a soul really feel tantra for me one of the things it’s about feeling everything.

 

It’s about life and it’s full multi-color, it’s full of vibrance, vibrancy. It’s like experiencing every taste, every flavor, every possibility. Because that, for me, is what awareness is. Awareness is being able to move beyond the you that you identify with on a day to day basis, an experience even greater. But and I think I said this last time or I had to in my notes to say last time, if you choose this path of awareness, if you choose this path of wanting to feel everything and know everything, you know, that for me is what the Enlightenment is being able to feel at one with everything and that you are everything.

 

You don’t get to pick and choose the good bits. So, you know, I was talking earlier about you were talking earlier about bliss, about ecstasy. Yes. You can feel all of those. But it’s also holding the parts of yourself that are in pain, that are struggling, that find things different. So for me,

 

I just want to take a breath into that for a second, just to feel that just to hold yourself, just to bring love to yourself.

 

You know, I think one of the things that we often teach people or we bring to people’s awareness about how they parent themselves and how you can look after and parent the part of you that is feeling grief, that is feeling the loneliness, feeling almost the abandonment. And I think once you’ve come to terms with those feelings and those, you know, till you get to a point where you know that, then the questions afterwards is, well, why is this happening?

 

What’s what’s going on? Why is this happening? And for me, you know, there could be as many different possibilities of what’s going on,

 

depending on the amount of listeners listening into this, that could be, you know, so many individual perspectives. But

 

one of the questions I have for somebody when they present this is do I feel worthy to receive pleasure?

 

Do I feel worthy to receive pleasure? And some of you may go, yeah, of course, you know, what’s he talking about? I don’t mean that, but it’s like, do you really? It’s like, how are you about allowing yourself to be witnessed in your sexual pleasure? When you are in your sexual pleasure, you are being totally seen in your pure form, in your pure nature.

 

You can’t filter yourself. You can’t try and make yourself look better. You when you are in your orgasmic sexual energy and you are being witnessed and seen, it’s like, how do you feel being seen being witnessed in your pleasure? And if you’re like, Actually, I look in the mirror and I feel a bit shameful. I feel shameful of how I look.

 

I may feel like I’m overweight, I may feel I’m too old, I may feel I’m too young, too thin. I may have anything that makes me feel other than the beautiful being that I am being witnessed in my most purest form. Like for me, when you’re in your sexual energy, you are in your purest form because the mind can’t get in the way and try and project stuff in.

 

When you’re being witnessed in your in your sexual energy, in your pure form, there’s a there’s an unfaltering that happens and that you’re being witnessed in your true form, in your true state. And for some of us that might be absolutely terrifying. And also we may carry shame around how we look. We may also have issues or shame around allowing ourselves to feel pleasure.

 

We may feel guilty about that. We may feel that, you know, that we’re not worthy in some way and that maybe, you know, if you’re having sex in a relationship or with a lover, it could be that you’ve ended up taking a caretaking position. This is the key point I’m coming to, and it could be that you end up taking a key position of caretaking because actually that could be the safest place for you in this duality of this sex that’s happening so often when we have a role, and this is one of the ways that we can build safety, when we have a role, we can feel safe in that role.

 

And so when you meet somebody in sex, if you take on the caretaking, then you can feel safe. You can feel like you’re looking after them and that you don’t have to commit anything or give anything. But there’s a problem here because actually what’s required of you in sex is your vulnerability. And what I mean by your vulnerability is being able to show up in sex and be willing and open to go into your true, unfiltered self and allow yourself to be witnessed and seen in your true pleasure.

 

And that, for me, is the crux of the issue, is around how you’re able to sit in your vulnerability and allow yourself to be seen in your pure sexual form, in your pure sexual pleasure. And I think this would be one of the areas that I would look at if somebody was saying that they end up caretaking. The problem isn’t necessarily the other person.

 

And again, there’s a whole other topic there about relationship dynamics of how that caretaking relationship built up. But I sometimes wonder that caretaker king, it doesn’t feel like a good place, it doesn’t feel worthy, it feels grief, isolation needs unmet. But actually it’s a place of safety. And actually part of the Tantric journey is about learning how to be in your true form and in your true form.

 

Part of that is about being vulnerable and what you think about that. That was a moment there. Who how does that sound? Does that make sense? I think it’s going to yeah. Dear listener, you might need to listen to this several times because there was a lot in there. Let me let me let me let me focus a few things of of of what you said, You know, from a tantric perspective.

 

Yes, I’m well, from the perspective of the tantra that we teach,

 

the aim, as you said, is to completely be in your true form. Yes. With sex, this means to be completely in the potential of your pleasure. Well, literally, your body, your instincts completely take over and they almost disable. Yes. A part of yourself. And that’s the part of your self that is constantly like just.

 

Yes, controlling yourself. Am I looking good enough? Yes, being good. And, and all of these things. And you can already see this. And now that, you know, these are the things, our hang ups basically. So, so usually I would say and this, you know, this is included to me before I came to Tantra that but I didn’t realize most people didn’t realize that what we play out in bed or in sex, you know what what we play out is it’s a version of sex that is heavily constricted by our hang ups and this caretaking thing.

 

It’s just one kind of version of that. Yeah. So I would say if someone said, I’m always caretaking, it’s always about the other person, never about me, I would ask them, How comfortable do you feel with completely going into the deepest pleasure that you have ever imagined just for yourself? Can you self let your self fall into that?

 

Do you even know what that would mean? Have you ever experienced something like this? And then usually that, that, that opens up things and that I, you know, and this is like the first step to open up a kind of process of awareness of how someone has live in a constricted paradigm, basically with their own sex and from there then we can we can we can then start to work, right?

 

I think caretaking is a place of safety. Yeah. And I think it’s maybe avoidance. Well, and I also think that it’s something wider that I see

 

in the men who love men community. Yeah, completely. Because I think we live in a society like for example, if you have a job, you know, we all need to go out and earn a living.

 

We’re all living in a capitalist model mostly, and we need to go out and earn money or we’ve had to. And we, we have, you know, organizations and companies that are set up with jobs and roles. Yes. And in those roles, you end up getting an identity based on the role that you do in if any of you listening to work in offices, you’ll notice, there’s Jana in finance or or Bob who does the reports.

 

But it’s like people start to build identities based on the functions that they provide and actually there’s a safety in that and there’s being accepted socially in a crowd by being in a particular role, in a particular way. And I think that we develop a level of safety. If you don’t have the identity of a role within your then vulnerable to not be in a role.

 

And then there’s the spiritual question for me of, well, who are you without a specific role? And if you take that to sex, if you’re caretaking somebody in sex, you have a role. Your role is to look after the other person’s persons pleasure above your own. It’s like you as an individual don’t actually exist. So even like in these company roles, you know, it’s like you exist as the employee, as the person that’s functioning, doing the role.

 

But actually, you know, nobody knows anything about your private life. Nobody knows anything about who you are outside of your role. And again, I would take that same paradigm to caretaking and say, yes, and actually, you know, this other person knows nothing about your pleasure. They know nothing about how your body reacts. It’s like you don’t exist, you’re almost transparent, and that can feel like a place of safety feels incredibly safe.

 

But incredibly debilitating. A grief because nobody ever got to see you. Nobody ever got to witness you. And it’s terrifying. I think for some people it can go it’s really terrifying to be seen and to, you know, look how many workshops we’ve done where, you know, one of the first things you do is literally learn how to take your clothes off, how to be undressed by the afternoon.

 

It’s such a non-issue. Everyone’s running around naked. But in the first morning, everybody’s anxious, everybody’s a bit concerned, everyone’s a bit wound up that, you know, we need to get get to get through this. And I think that we have so many different layers of shame and guilt and things we cover up that it’s, it gets difficult for people to, to want to tackle those things.

 

The last thing I would say here is that actually though, if you do tackle them, it’s like you only need to deal with the things that prevent you from being in your true pleasure. You only need to deal with them one step at a time. And I think that’s why in the tantra we teach, you know, you slowly learn to take off your clothes.

 

You slowly learn how to connect with another person. You slowly allow yourself to be seen.

 

Well, I think one of the what you’re not mentioning is, I think, you know, one of the most important things in there. What we teach them is most especially in the beginning, there are many tantra exercises that have very, very clear roles that a giver.

 

And there is a receiver. Yes. And everyone has to be in both roads and a given exercise. But here’s the point. When you’re giving your giving, you’re caring for the other person. But then many people find that super easy, you know? yeah, I I’m going through the motions. I’m going to do you know, I’m going to do exactly the techniques.

 

You know, let’s say it’s a massage or something like that. As I’m told I’m focusing on the other person, that place of safety that you’re talking about. And then we switch around, we switch roles, and then someone has the the the the brief is that this is only about you and it’s only about your pleasure and receiving pleasure from the other person.

 

And this is usually where the learning starts. Some people don’t even know what of what they want. I didn’t, didn’t have a communicating. Yeah. And then,

 

Okay that’s, that’s,

 

that’s put a little process in place where you can communicate that and then we can. How are you at receiving that. And that’s really to begin with often the really new for people is to just be there and you will just be looked after and it’s only for you.

 

And as you said then the and this is where it becomes tantric and your task is to let yourself completely go into your pleasure. Yes. And as I say this it sounds like yeah, I’m not a go at most people don’t even know what that means. Yeah. You know I have, you know when I ask you dear listeners, you know, have you have you ever really really you know, most of you will probably have had moments where you feel, wow.

 

Now the pleasure is really, really taking over these moments in sex and they most people think that these moments can can can only basically occur under ideal conditions with the ideal, you know, the ideal partner. and whatever. But actually in tantra, the question is how can we make every single moment in sex exactly like that? Yeah. So these, these relatively basic exercises, they, they, they are all on this principle you’re either giving or you are receiving.

 

But when you are receiving, then we want you to really receive and we are going to teach you how to really receive and to be only with your own pleasure, not with the other person’s pleasure. And that usually opens this this thing for people, doesn’t it? I’ve had it so many times when I. fuck. Well, my my sex life has been so reduced.

 

I didn’t you know, I didn’t even know how this feels to be here for myself rather than for what I think my partner wants. Yeah, completely. I feel like we could explore this even more than what we’ve done. But I think what we’ve done is to different perspective, have two different ideas around, you know, the reason for doing these podcasts is to help give you some ideas, some areas to explore what I would say is that if you want to take part in the conversation on this question of caretaking and sex, you can join the conversation in our app community Dot tantra The number for gay men dot com That’s community dot tantra for gay

 

men Bcom. There’ll be a post in there for this podcast on the main feed. Come in, maybe share something about what we’ve talked about today, what that means to you and you know, join in the conversation with all of the other people listening to this

 

and go, We are going to move into our final parts for today’s episode.

 

So one of the gifts we wanted to give you was five quick tips

 

to create a tantric practice at home. Okay. Five quick tips that we would offer in our remarks. These are off the cuff. We haven’t rehearsed these. So there’s several ones I can think of if you’ve got an immediate one.

 

yes, yes, yes, yes. I’ve got an issue which leads you, especially if you are a total beginner. Okay. Get a self-pleasure in practice. Okay. Easy to do. Super, super easy to do. And what would you recommend in that self pleasuring practice? I would just recommend to two really begin with

 

play around with yourself and be very, very aware of what it really is that pushes your buttons.

 

How are you pushing your buttons? Because usually, you know intuitively we are doing exactly the right thing. How am I pushing my own button? You know, my own buttons with them? Yeah. What feels good? And then to be really aware how to communicate this with partners too. I tell my play partners that this is that could be top, that could be tip two.

 

So tip one I’m I’m going to narrow you down is to create a self pleasuring practice. One of the other tips I would do is set a timer, for example, not to allow yourself to come for the first 2 minutes or the first hour and the second tip I would give you a tip too, is in this self pleasuring practice breath sound, a meeting sensation.

 

So a lot of people say to me, don’t make any noise during sex. And it’s like, Yeah, that’s lovely. However, we need to get over that one because the gateway to ecstasy and gateway to multi orgasmic states is breath sound and learning to meet the sensation. We are going to do a whole talk about that, no doubt in the future.

 

yeah this these are already almost five tips, right? Because I would add another one. What’s that? Which is Yeah. You want to, you want to ideally you want to keep yourself at a kind of high arousal. Okay. totes thoughts coming, but not coming. Okay. And in that state, you want to really feel every sensation, almost like a meditation.

 

You don’t want to. Well, this is a really important tantric principle. You don’t want to go off into fantasy. Yes, but you want to be with the pure sensation. Excellent idea. Tip number four. This is actually five tips for a self pleasuring practice. Okay. This is how it’s shaping up. Because another tip I would offer here is lubricant.

 

And it’s quite a practical thing. So some of you may who are not being this is not a paid content. We’re not sponsored by any lubrication. However, it’s really important. I think some of you may use one

 

spit,

 

some of you may use lube, some of you may use like a water based content. Some of you may find that dries out.

 

Some of you may use a silicone based practice, which, for example, stays wetter for longer. Some of you may be scrabbling around for the olive oil or the any vegetable oil in the kitchen, but it’s like practicing and finding a lubricant that feels really good. That heightens the sensation that you can feel in your cock. And so, for example, if you’re just using spec, you may find that a bit too dry and that you can only do one one type of stroke.

 

So that would then lead into tip number five is around. Get creative with different cock strokes in your self pleasuring practice and try out different ideas around cock massage strokes to find out how they feel in your body and how they feel in sensation. So we just recap those

 

what was number one? One was self practice. Yes. Ideally daily. Yes, half an hour something. And the second tip in there was to make it time limited. So, for example, don’t allow yourself to come for the first 30 minutes. Set a timer on your phone. Tip number three was sensations. Focus on sensations. Tip four was breath sound, a movement.

 

Tip was lubricant. Exactly. And tip six or tip one, depending how you listen was about trying different cock strokes. So those are five top tips for cultivating a self-pleasure ring practice, which leads into the what do you recommend to create a tantric practice? And that’s one of them. Well, we managed to stitch that back. I just wanted to say I just wanted to say the reason why this is tantric is because this is like the first step.

 

Yes. To to basically if you do this over a longer time, this will build up sexual energy in your body. Yes. Later in tantra, we are going to start you now to play with that energy. And when we start to play with that energy, but you need to build it up first. When we then start to play with it, you can then that that’s then the first step towards

 

opening up these deeper levels that I talked about in the beginning thing.

 

But first you need to build it this is the step. Last thing we’re going to talk about in this podcast is in May. So we’re recording this for you in January. So May the 11th and 12th in London. Okay. Ingo And now you’re going to be facilitating a weekend workshop called Exploring Ecstatic Surrender.

 

And this weekend is actually doing two things. One of them is it’s starting to introduce you to this state called Ecstatic. So a lot of you listening will be used to feeling orgasmic sensation, feeling sexual energy. what this weekend is going to show you is one other additional thing that many of you may not be aware of is how to tap into and feel the body’s natural state of ecstasy.

 

And it can feel like a thousand volts of electricity going through your body. And the other thing we’re going to be doing in this weekend is introducing you to some basic,

 

practices that help you get into states of surrender. So it can be a little bit of constriction. I say constriction, but a little bit of way of taking some away or a little bit of playing with some only gentle techniques that help you get into a state of surrender.

 

In that state of surrender with the ecstasy that I’m talking about, you can start to reach what we call states of bliss. And this is what this weekend this introductory Tantawi Ken that we’re doing is going to start to invite you to explore. So if you’re hearing this and you’re free this weekend, it’s in London. Beautiful location near Finsbury Park, 11th and 12th of May.

 

You can get more information on our website Tantra for gay men dot com.

 

Also to add about this weekend,

 

it’s ideal, especially if you’re new to our work. Yeah, but we usually have a good mixture of new people and experience people we do so that it’s usually quite a joy to, you know, also to work with experienced people who are really, you know, who are eager to welcome you as a new person.

 

And and it’s really lovely to, to get into that with, to, to, to play with really, really incredible people, actually. Yeah. So thank you.

 

Okay. And this brings us to the end of our second episode. How you feeling? Good. It’s been a real pleasure to talk about this and to be with everyone that’s listening and to be with my favorite as well.

 

I love nothing much at all. And in the next podcast we’re going to be talking about, well, I’ll put that on the outro, I’ll put that on the outro and end to that. So listen, can’t wait to see you next time. We love you. We hope what we offered you today is of service to you and see you next time.

 

Take care next time. Bye bye. Bye bye.

 

So I really hope that you enjoyed listening to our episode two of our podcast.

 

Remember, if you’d like to join in the conversation, you can do that in our app community. Dot Tantra for gay men dot com. That’s community tantra for gay men. And join in the conversation about everything we’ve talked about here today in episode two. If you would like to learn more about our London Week weekend workshop

 

11th and 12th of May 20, 24 London.

 

You can find that on our website. Tantra for Gay Men. Dot com.

 

So looking forward to welcoming you to our next episode where we are going to be tackling, tackling or exploring, maybe exploring better than tackling. We’re going to be exploring the question of why sex and sexuality is a core part of tantric practice. So why is sex and sexuality a core part of.

 

I would say neo tantric practice. And again, we’re going to explain that in the next podcast. If that sounds of interest to you, we look forward to welcoming you and we’ll see you next time. Take care. Bye bye.

 

One thing.

 

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